a shovel for the mud
by missing-in-venice
Summary: "The other two; passion and consumption belong sorely to Damon." 10 diary entries by Elena Gilbert. Season 4.
1. Road to nowhere

_**A/N: I came up with this idea and decided to write it out and see how many veiws I could get. If people don't seem interested, I probably won't bother continuing it. If I do continue it, however, then it will be five chapters long; all diary entries. It's Elena set during season 4 after she's turned, and most of the entries are pertaining to her new veiw on Damon. I'll try my best try and capture Elena's character but it won't be perfect, partially because I don't know how she'll be when the show returns in the fall. I'm guessing she'll be the same ol' boring and bitchy Elena. Ok, enough Elena bashing. The entries take place once a week; so this is her first week of being a vampire. If the next one said 'week 4' then that would be her fourth week being a vampire. Make sense?**_

_** Here we go. I own nothing, btw. **_

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_Week 1 _

Dear diary,

It's so strange, sitting here and writing like I used to. And I did, everyday when I came home from school, I'd sit by my window and write about things that seem so inconsequential now. I'd write about cheerleading, boyfriend drama, fights with Jeremy or my parents; normal stuff, human stuff.

My borrowed time finally ran out. Truthfully, I was wondering when it would, when the inevitable would happen. Well, it has. I am no longer human.

I probably could have prevented this if I really had tried. I'm the one who told Stefan to rescue Matt first. If I could change things, then I wouldn't. I'd still choose to save Matt. My dad saved me and now it was time for me to not be selfish either.

One thing I wish I could change was letting Jeremy take me to the hospital, then Meredith would have never given me Damon's blood and I would have died. A part of me wishes it just so I wouldn't have to be a vampire, another part wishes it just so I didn't have to make that dreaded choice hours after.

Anyways, there's no need to dwell on the past. Everything is done already and I can't change it, no matter how much I wish I could.

I'm sitting in Stefan's room right now, alone. He went to go get me more animal blood after much insisting from me, I told him I wanted to be alone. Damon asked if I wanted anything else and I asked for my diary, which he fetched for me. When he set it down on the kitchen table and sauntered out, I was scared for a moment that he read it. I'm not sure if I would put it past him, but I don't think he did; otherwise he probably would have reacted in some typical Damon fashion about the things I've written about him in here. No, he barely even looked at me. He hasn't since I've woken up.

Bonnie says she'll spell me a daylight ring as soon as she knows that I'm under control. It might be too soon to tell, but I don't think I'll have that much trouble with it. Matt came over and although I could hear his blood pulsing through his veins and his heart thumping in my ears, my control didn't slip. Sure, my mouth was watering, but I think it'll be alright. Maybe it was because it was Matt, or maybe it's because I've been slightly used to the feeling that I could accidently turn anyday. Either way, I'm thanking the heavens I'm not as unstable with blood as Stefan is.

Everything is much different as a vampire. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I see Stefan, and I feel the love I felt for him as a human, except stronger. That's a good thing. And then I see Damon, and _everything _between us is so much... bigger than it used to be. I don't know how to explain it, but I will say that his eyes seem somehow brighter than before, which is a bad thing.

I told him that maybe things would be different if we had met first. Maybe I was trying to let him down easy, or maybe I was telling the truth; I think it might be a little bit of both. But we did meet first. Before everything happened, we met and he made me forget. I want passion, adventure, love that consumes and even a little bit of danger; according to him. And then he compelled me and told me that I would get all that. Have I? Stefan isn't dangerous, only the things around him are. But I'm the doppelganger, so technically it's not his fault. I get adventure on a regular basis.

The other two; passion and consumption belong sorely to Damon. I can deny it all I want to everyone else, but not you, Diary. And now everything is heightened and I'm so, so confused.

I think Stefan just got home. I'll write again soon.

-Elena

~0~

_I will continue if I can get a decent amount of feedback :)_


	2. Writing in blood

**_An: Hullo, I decided to continue this, despite the lack of feedback I got. I was very bored tonight because my so called friends decided to go to a party without me. So I guess I'll continue it now because it would be kind of random if it was just two chapters long. And anyways, I have some plans for this. It MIGHT have a bigger plotline other than Delena that involves witches and a curse, but I think that might be difficult to write through Diary form. But I'll try. Here goes. _**

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_If she weren't writing in blood_

_She'd bring him her drugs, new liver and a shovel for the mud_

_If he were not knee-deep in mud, he'd bring her his jokes_

_He'd get her a typewriter_

~0~

_Week 4_

Dear Diary,

Well, I'm proud to say that I haven't killed anybody yet. Stefan says he thinks that I'm past that point now, but he didn't exactly look too sure. I'm trying to stay positive. Negative feelings lead to negative thoughts and those lead to me possibly snapping and doing something impulsive.

I understand everything so much better now. I understand how Damon can do stupid things so easily, how Stefan's control can slip so easily when it comes to human blood. Everything is so easy, even the bad things. Stefan says experiencing is learning, and any mistakes I make are just something to learn from. He's right, I know he's right, but I'd rather not learn if it means accidently killing someone.

Turns out, Bonnie didn't really need to spell me a daylight ring. I have Isobel's necklace, which was tucked away in a box in the attic. It's a big, clunky thing, but still beautiful all the same. I like knowing that my biological mother went through the same things that I'm going through now. I can't help but think of her words, when she told me that as long as I have the Salvatore's on each arm, I'm doomed. And I can't help but think she was right. Was I doomed from the start, the very first time I met Stefan? The very first time I met Damon? I never wanted to be a vampire, and just because I didn't, I inevitably did. I've been learning that a lot of things in my life have gone that way.

When I first put the necklace on, I just sat by the window, staring at the sun that would never blind my eyes and grateful that the window didn't have to be made of UV glass. I kept thinkng of Rose, who spent her most of her existence never meeting the sun, and I think of all the vampires out there who aren't fortunate enough to know about daylight rings or have a witch best friend to make one for them. It makes me sad, and very thankful to have my friends.

Stefan and Caroline have been great, I really don't know what I would do without them. They take me hunting in the woods everyday, training me how to find the right animals and where. When I'm trying to listen, it's the most amazing thing. I can hear every little sound within miles; streams moving, wind rustling, birds chirping, it's overwhelming sometimes. The worst part is when I catch the animals, which is usually a rabbit or bird, I always make the mistake of looking at their cute faces. I've been trying to look away.

Jeremy seems to be taking everything really well, which doesn't surprise me when I think about it, but it's still odd. At dinner, he pours a bag of blood into a mug and heats it up, setting it in front of me like it's a slice of pizza. Once, when I walked into the living room where he was watching TV, he flipped the channel to Buffy The Vampire Slayer and thought it was pretty amusing. He's been spending time with Damon, so it figures.

I don't really see Damon that much anymore. For my first two weeks as a vampire, he hung around to make sure I didn't kill anyone and gave me advice for being a 'living dead girl', despite the huge elephant in the room. After, he stopped hanging out at the boarding house during the day and when I do see him, it's usually from a distance. Jeremy seems to be following him around everywhere, he's starting to have a very Damon-humor and he's taken to wear the leather jacket that Uncle John got him a couple years back. It's like having a Damon carbon-copy sleeping in the room next to me. Except this Damon isn't Damon at all, which bothers me and relieves me at the same time.

It bothers me that he doesn't look me in the eye anymore, doesn't even bother to flirt with me or do the 'eye-thing' that we both know I secretely like. He's backed off completely, and I know that he's given up on me. Sometimes, I think it kills me that he doesn't think I love him, that he thinks I never loved him. It kills me that he never speaks directly to me, that we never share our inside jokes anymore. I want to tell him these things, I want to tell him that if he hadn't compelled me that night, then things we be different. I want him to know that his voice is my favorite sound in the world and that the color of his eyes is my favorite color. I wish he could know these things, but right now I can barely even get him in the same room as me. He'll never know that I want him. I'm going to say it once, because I have to write it down or else I'll think I'll explode. I want Damon Salvatore, body mind and soul.

But I can't have it, I can't have him. I love Stefan so much that it hurts, and what I feel for Damon is an entirely different kind of love. A whole new ballgame. Just the prospect of having Damon's soul scares me half to death; although I think if I asked, he'd hand it over to me on a silver platter.

I have to go, Caroline wants me to go hunting with her. I'll write soon.

~Elena

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**Song: Grow up and Blow Away by Metric**

**Please let me know what you think! :)**


	3. Contemplate the silent freeway

_**Notes: This one is a shortie; but I guess they're all pretty short. These things are hard to get going, but usually once I've got the first paragraph the rest flows out. I accidently deleted this chapter on my comp once and I was SO pissed, because it was really great before and now it's just eh. Bigger pic coming up soon, as you can see with the foreshadowing. Anyways,**_

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~0~

_Week 5_

Dear Diary,

Something's wrong, I can feel it. It's very subtle and barely there, but sometimes when I'm laying in bed in the morning, I feel this sense of forbading. Like things aren't going to be peaceful for very much longer. I think Bonnie feels it too, except more than I do. Everytime I've seen her lately, she's been very quiet and she looks worried. I asked her if anything was wrong and she said no, she was fine. I'm just worried that it's something bad; like Klaus is back in his own body. He's still in Tyler's right now, and he's dissapeared from town. Before he left, he told me I don't matter to him anymore, which seems odd and suspicious but at the same time relieving. But we know that he is out trying to find a way to get back in his own body, and we're all slightly worried when he does. Since he's in Tyler, he's not nearly as strong. Caroline is all for it, she wants Tyler back and she doesn't see why it matters if Klaus doesn't care about me anymore. I'm scared that he's feeling vengeful for me turning and is going to take it out on my friends and family. I just hope he realizes that if I had gotten to choose, I would have never chosen this.

I saw Damon earlier. I went over to the boarding house to meet Stefan because we were supposed to go hunting, but Damon was there instead. He was playing the piano, looking like he hadn't slept all night because of his discheveled hair and open shirt(why does he bother putting a shirt on if he's not going to button it?). He never told me he knew how to play the piano; and god, he can play. His fingers were moving over the keys in a blur, filling the room with Mozart, or at least I think it was Mozart. There was something so... tortured and tired about his stance; it was beautiful. I don't know how long I was standing there, watching him. He didn't see me.

"Elena?" Stefan called my name from behind me, and I jumped up. His eyebrows were scrunched together in the way they do only when he knows something unpleasant. He kind of just stared at me knowingly while I stared back guiltily. I can only imagine what I looked like, standing there and looking all the while like I was coveting his brother. Then I noticed that the music had stopped and that Damon had noticed me standing there also, looking at me with glassy and slightly shocked eyes. We all just stared at each other awkwardly for a moment before I turned on my heel and went to wait for Stefan outside. Truthfully, I was expecting Damon to make some snarky comment and ease the discomfort, but he didn't.

And then while Stefan was driving me home, he said that he thinks Damon is on drugs. He kind of just blurted it out over the awkward silence and Radiohead, and then he grimaced when I turned to look at him. I asked him why he thinks that and he said that lately Damon hasn't been himself and that his eyes always look glossed over. He didn't really dwelve into it; Damon isn't really a sure-fire topic of conversation between us these days.

It kind of seems ridiculous worrying about Damon being on drugs. He _is _already practically an alcoholic. It's not like it will do him any harm, I'm just wondering what type of drugs he's on and hoping that he's not getting Jeremy mixed up into it since they seem to be spending alot of time together. I don't think he'd do that, though; and Jeremy doesn't seem all moody and depressed like he was when he actually was on drugs, the opposite, in fact. He seems to be generally happy these days, and I think I have Damon to thank for it. Well, at least _someone _in this town is happy.

Elena

~0~

_Please review? C:_


	4. Empty spaces

_I think I know I mean, a yes_

_But it's all wrong_

_That is I think I disagree_

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_Week 6_

Dear Diary,

I was right, it's not over yet. Everything is now back to normal for me, which means there is still and once again some kind of supernatural entity trying to kill my friends and family. Just an average day in Mystic.

Bonnie says that Esther has gotten the dead Bennett witches to help her rid vampires from Mystic Falls. She still has not given up yet. Apparently Bonnie went over to that old house and they told her she either helped them or she was officially their enemy. I'm sure that if, it wasn't for me, Caroline and Tyler, she would have gladly excepted the invitation, whether if it means killing Damon and Stefan or not.

So now she's officially against them. She's been trying to contact Abbie for a few days now, but she won't answer her phone, which is upsetting her alot. I can tell she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Esther tried to possess her body again, twice if you're counting, and it drained Bonnie of alot of energy to prevent it.

It's been pretty quiet so far today though. We don't know what else Esther is going to try to do, but we have everyone on the lookout. Damon just about threw a hissy fit when he heard. He broke three of his bourbon glasses and threw Stefan against a wall, then mumbled something about this town being a curse and drove away in his car, tires screeching loudly off the driveway. I was going to go after him, but Stefan held me back and told me to let him have time to cool off.

I just got back from the Grille about an hour ago and he was there. I thought he was alone at first, and i was about to go talk to him when somebody walked up and sat next to him. It was Meredith Fell.

Any fondness I had for her has vanished. Caroline says its irrational, and maybe it is, but I can't help it. Damon was smiling, actually _smiling_ at something she said, dimples included and all. He's only every smiled at me like a couple of times, tops. He was touching her arm and they were drinking scotch together and it was too much. It's even worst because I know this isn't some distraction-fling for him, it's not as if Meredith's dumb enough to not be on vervain and something tells me Damon wouldn't go there with her. Caroline told me that if I was going to be jealous then to be less conspicious about it. I shattered my glass of Pepsi in my hand and now here I am. This pen is about to rip through the page, I really need to calm down. Anger always inevitably leads to bloodlust. Stefan's words, not mine.

But I'm not jealous. I'm really not. Swear I'm not. Caroline and Matt were both looking at me sympathetically and it pissed me off, so I left. It just makes me mad how Damon will move to one obsession to the next. First it was Katherine, then it was me, then it was Rose, then it was Andie. Then it was Rebekah, and then it was me again. And now it's Meredith. After her it will probably be some other blonde girl that intrigues him when he gets bored.

Okay, I know i'm being harsh. I also know that I was more than an obsession to Damon. Was? Why am I using past tense? Is 'am' the correct term? I really don't know. He's barely looked me in the eye or spoken to me for the past month. And if he does, his eyes are usually glassy and dilated, words slurred. It's like he needs to be on something to be in my presence.

I may have done some snooping the other day. It's not like I searched his entire room; all I did was open his nightstant drawer and there was at least four orange prescription bottles in his name. I only recognized one name, it was Oxycontin. When I was a sophmore, I sat next to this senior girl named Sadie Hynnes in painting class. That summer, a few months before Mom and Dad died, I remember hearing about her being commited to rehab for an addiction to it. I remember Tyler saying how it was like legalized heroin. So basically, I guess, Damon is on heroin. It explains the glazed looks he has all the time, the way I see his eyes drifting shut and head lolling to the side when we're in the same room. Although I know that physically, he can't get addicted to it and it's impossible for him to OD on it, it really worries me.

I know I shouldn't have gone snooping, but Stefan's comment piqued my interest and it seems odd that Damon would do that stuff. He's never been like that before, and I have a feeling it has something to do with me.

Alright, I really need to stop writing about Damon. I went back on my latest entries, and found that most of the paragraphs are filled with Damon. Damon. Damon. Damon. But I think about him alot; alot more than I should.

Something very bad happened the other night, too. I'm sure you can guess who it's about. Stefan was over, and we were in bed. I'm not going to write down all the specifics, but to cut it short, I wasn't really... feeling it. He was moaning in my neck and I could tell that he was almost finished and I knew that I wasn't going to make it, and then, something just... happened. I started thinking about Damon, of him at the piano, shirt open and hair mussed up. I thought of him in Denver, pressing me against the rough cement wall with his tongue of my neck and his hardness pressing into me. I thought of his smile, the one he gave to Meredith with the two dimples and his eyes sparkling. Thinking of him in the final throes just... did it for me.

The guilt came immediately afterwards. Stefan looked so happy and pleased, he kissed my forehead and smoothed my hair away and the whole time I was thinking of a different pair of hands, a different set of lips. And I started crying. He asked what as wrong and I told him I was happy. "I'm happy, too." he whispered in my ear. I cried harder.

I don't know what to do. I thought this whole thing would be over once I chose. But now, it just seems as complicated as ever. Is this how it's always going to be? Me, tangled in a web with these two brothers, unable to get out? I don't know. I can barely think straight, there's too many thoughts and emotions churning through me. I really hate being a vampire.

Elena

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_**Song: Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles; I know it's a really random song for this, but I liked that one verse because it kind of fits the fact of how confused Elena is about all her emotions and such. Or maybe it's just me and my huge Beatles fetish. Whatever works.**_

_**Notes: Hope you liked this chap. I did. If you're waiting for the All Good things epilogue, just hold on tight, it's comin. I will also be posting a oneshot soon, it's Damon-Centric and I already have 5,000 words written, I just need to touch it up a bit. It'll be a bit dark and include Damon partying away from MF. I know I have more to say but I can't remember. **_

_**Pretty pretty pretty please review? C:**_


	5. Gray or blue

_I watched you very closely, I saw you look away_  
_Your eyes are either gray or blue I'm never close enough to say_  
_I know the shape of your hands because I watch them when you talk_  
_And I know the shape of your body 'cause I watch it when you walk_

Dear Diary,

A lot of things went down last night. A lot has happened; I'm going to try and write it all down. Shouldn't be too difficult, I managed to write a three paged essay on The Bell Jar for English last week in ten minutes. Stefan watched me with an amused smile and told me my hands were blurring.

So since Esther was unable to get into Bonnie's body, she chose her next victim; Caroline. Then, once in Caroline, she called up Tyler/Klaus and asked him to come to Mystic Falls. Klaus, with his weird obsession with Caroline, immediately said he'd come. After that, she called Bonnie and told her to meet her at the witch's house. Bonnie called Stefan and Damon and told them that something was up with Caroline because she sounded really weird and wanted Bonnie to go to the house for some reason.

We all met up at the boarding house, and right after we all got there, the doorbell rang. Klaus strode in like he owned the place and demanded to know what was going on because he went to Caroline's house and she wasn't there. We told him what happened and he looked _really _mad; like seriously pissed off that his mother possessed Caroline. He knocked over Damon's entire alcohol collection; which finally got Damon's attention who had been laying on the couch not saying a word the entire time. I think he was high, because his pupils were the size of pinpoints and seriously, when does Damon ever not have something to say? But still, finally he stood up, looking all discheveled and hungover and _gorgeous _like he always manages to, intoxicated or not. Klaus and him got in some sort of stand off, which resulted in Damon getting pinned to the ground among the rubble of broken glass with the coffee table's wooden leg propped over his chest. That's when I took action. Klaus inside of Tyler's body isn't nearly as strong as he used to be, so I managed to throw him off of Damon. And it felt really, really good; to throw Klaus like that. He certainly deserves that and much more from me.

I think Klaus was about to come on to me, but Stefan jumped in front and they had some sort of weird eye contact- understanding thing, so finally Klaus deflated. Damon stood up very nonchalantly and mumbled something like 'We really need to stop buying wooden furniture, Stef.' Then he busied himself cleaning up all the glass and wouldn't look once at me.

Klaus started saying he was going to go get Caroline, but Stefan interfered and said that Caroline was possessed and that he couldn't just walk into a dead witch's house. Bonnie piped up and said she'd go like Esther asked her to while Klaus went around on the side. I told Bonnie I didn't think it was safe for her to go in by herself, and then Damon offered to go in with her. It went something like 'Hey, I'll go with you Judgy.' Bonnie looked really shocked and kind of suspicious for a fraction of a second before she brushed it off and nodded. I think everyone was kind of shocked. When has Damon ever wanted to risk his life for Bonnie, who probably hates him?

Either way, Damon buttoned up the rest of his shirt and put on his leather jacket and Stefan and I watched through the window as they all piled into Damon's car. I felt kind of relieved that this time, Bonnie and Damon weren't risking their lives for me and rather for Caroline. I guess if Esther succeeds, then we'll all be dead eventually.

Stefan, Jeremy and I waited for what seemed like days for them to come back. Finally, we heard footsteps on the porch and Caroline, Klaus and Bonnie burst in. Caroline and Klaus were carrying a very unconscious Damon in their arms. There was red blooming on his chest and staining his white shirt. I can't even fully describe to you what I felt in that moment. All I saw was a dead looking Damon with blood somewhere near where his heart was located. I almost broke down just at the sight.

Bonnie, who seemed to know exactly what I was thinking from my horrified expression, quickly assured us that Damon wasn't dead. I took another look at him while Caroline and Klaus layed him down on the couch and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that his skin was it's regular alabastor color and not gray and veiny. Bonnie went on explaining what happened; Damon and her wandered away from each other, and while Bonnie was looking for Caroline, she heard someone scream from the basement. When she ran down there, Damon was writhing in the middle of a fire circle and Caroline was trying to put it out. When they finally managed to get the flames gone, Damon was unconscious and bleeding from a wound in his stomach.

Caroline said that Esther did something to him while in her body, with all the dead witch's help. And then she just up and left, leaving Caroline alive. 'I'm so sorry my mother did that to you, Caroline.' Klaus said before leaving without looking at anyone else except for Stefan.

For an endless amount of hours into the night, we all huddled around Damon. The hole in his stomach wouldn't stop bleeding; his skin wasn't repairing itself like I've gotten used to it doing. I held a towel to it while I stroked his chin with the tips of my fingers, trying to somehow rouse him from sleep and ignoring Stefan's eyes burning holes into my tender movements toward his brother. We tried to get Bonnie to do something; a spell or anything. But she said she didn't understand what was happening to Damon, that she'd never heard of something like this happening to a vampire.

Damon was still unconscious by the time day broke. Jeremy and Bonnie were asleep on the couch; Jeremy had refused to go home when I told him to, had refused to leave Damon. I still don't understand that friendship. I think Bonnie stayed for either me or Jeremy, or maybe both. Stefan was sitting in an armchair, nursing a fourth glass of bourbon and I was leaning against Damon, holding his head in my lap like I did when he was dying. His wound had eventually stopped bleeding, but still didn't sew itself back up. When Stefan's eyes looked like they were going to flutter shut and my fingers were weaving through Damon's dark hair; his eyes finally snapped open. He sat up really quickly and groaned, covering the cut in his chest with his hands and looking around frantically. Eventually, his eyes found mine and he asked what the hell happened.

'What do you remember?' Stefan asked him, immediately producing a glass of bourbon. Damon downed it and looked down at his stomach. 'I certainly don't remember getting _that._' he paused. 'I remember going in the house with Judgy... and then, nothing.' Bonnie explained to him what she said to us, and Damon glared at her. 'That's the last time I ever try and help you out.' he grounded out. Bonnie glared back at him, 'I never asked for your help, Damon.' They had a glare-down until Jeremy cleared his throat and offered to get Damon a glass of blood. That's when things got worse.

When Damon swallowed a mouthful of the red liquid, he started coughing and groaning. Then he gagged it up. For a moment, we thought maybe it had vervain in it. But then Stefan smelled it and said it was fine, and I tasted it and there was no burning taste of vervain in it. So we started trying different types of blood bags; but through all of them Damon coughed and spit it up. He said it tasted and burned worse than vervain, worse than anything he had ever tasted. Meanwhile, he was scowling at Bonnie the whole time while she jumped up and said she would go look in the Grimoire for information. 'Fucking witches.' he muttered and headed up the stairs. When I grabbed his arm, he pushed me away roughly. Stefan stood up at this and narrowed his eyebrows at his brother. Jeremy watched us from the couch as Damon dissapeared in his room.

And now we don't know what to do. Bonnie said she'd call me if she found something, and she hasn't yet. Damon's been holed up in his room; probably drinking. Stefan said he's been up there all day. I'm about to head back over to see if I can get him out myself. I'm really worried.

Elena


	6. Hopeless

Dear Diary,

My hands are shaking. You'd think that, as a vampire, one would be one hundred percent in control of their body and emotions. I've recently discovered it's actually the opposite. If I had ever been a smoker, I'd probably need a cigarette right about now.

Bonnie finally found something that might be related to Damon's issue. She had to search through Emily's grimiore and all of the Martin's to finally find the right one. And even then, it didn't say much. It's some kind of curse to make a vampire that has harmed or wronged said person pay. Basically a revenge spell, Bonnie said. She also said it takes a lot of power to do, because basically the witch is draining all of the bloodlust from a vampire, and that's saying something because obviously, vampires have _alot _of bloodlust. The spell makes the vampire repulsed by blood, makes them sick with the mere thought of it. It makes it burn like fire when consumed. But the thing is that the vampire still needs it to function, and if they don't drink it, then they'll weaken and mummify, just like the vampires in the tomb did.

I don't understood why Esther would use a revenge spell against Damon. Bonnie would have a reason to use it on him, but not even she would go that far. I could even see Emily doing it. But what has Damon done to Esther? Have they even met? Stefan says he doesn't think it was for revenge; just to get Damon out of the way. Bonnie said the spell must have cost her alot of energy, and that's why she left Caroline's body so quickly.

The reason doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters now is how to get the curse off of him, but the book didn't tell us how. I guess the Martins figured that if someone wanted to risk a curse like that, they wouldn't want to reverse it. Bonnie is still trying to contact Abby, but she still won't respond. Stefan even called Katherine. She said she'd get back to him when she found out more; much to my surprise.

It's been two days since Damon's had any blood. Stefan and I have tried to coax him into staying in bed, to save his energy, but he won't have any of it. He doesn't look too good; he's even paler than he was before, and I can tell by the way he holds himself that the lack of blood is taking a toll on him. While Stefan, Bonnie, Jeremy and I crowd around the room and discuss, he just sits there and stares straight ahead. And drinks, always drinks.

Jeremy had an idea that, maybe if he had fresh blood instead of bagged then it'd work. Bonnie didn't think it was a bad idea, so we contemplated compelling someone over when Jeremy called Meredith Fell. When she heard that it was about Damon, she came right over with a worried little expression on her face. When they explained the situation to her, she nodded and walked right up to him, offering Damon her wrist. 'Don't you have vervain in your system?' I asked loudly, somewhat rudely, and she pointed to a silver poison ring on her finger. I shrugged and looked away, not really wanting to see Damon sink his fangs in her. But he didn't. Instead, he stood up and said 'I can't.' Then he went upstairs.

We thought he'd come back downstairs eventually, but he didn't. Eventually, Jeremy, Bonnie and Meredith left until it was just Stefan and I, sitting at opposite sides of the couch and staring into the fireplace. From the sound of his breathing, Damon was in a drug-induced sleep upstairs. I couldn't tear my ears away from the sound of it and his vague heartbeat. The look on Stefan's face told me that he was worried, more worried than what came naturally to him. 'What are we going to do?' I asked quietly. It was the undercurrent question that we had been facing all day. If we couldn't find a way to reverse the spell, then what would happen to Damon? We wouldn't let him shrivel up and die, like a fish out of water; _couldn't _let him. That fate is worth than death, and Damon doesn't deserve it, no matter what he had ever done, my Damon doesn't deserve it.

Stefan shook his head slowly, 'Maybe Katherine will find something.' he said. The way his eyebrows scrunched up told me that he didn't really believe it, which meant that I couldn't hope to believe it either. 'And if she doesn't?" I asked.

'I don't know.' he said.

I don't know either. Damon can't die. If he leaves, then who will be left? What will be left?

Elena


	7. Oops, I did it again

Dear Diary,

Well, I did it again. The thing I internally swore I wouldn't do again… wouldn't even think of again. Of course the second half was broken the moment I opened my eyes on that cold hospital slab and met Damon's dark eyes. But that part was pretty much inevitable. However, I thought I could handle not actually _doing _it. Doing it and thinking it are entirely different things. I can dream about it (unintentionally, of course) and not feel guilty because I didn't actually do it, and I didn't _mean _to dream about it.

Okay, so this probably sounds confusing. But I really don't know what got into me. I never know what gets into me when it comes to Damon; it's like some of him rubs off onto me and I become impulsive and I don't think about it before doing it, it was like that even before I turned. Homecoming. Stabbing Rebekah. The ball. Denver. _Denver. _That one was probably the worst.

So maybe if I write it out it will make sense to me. Can you read the skepticism in my handwriting? Damon wasn't (isn't) getting any better. He's gotten considerably worst in the whole two days since we figured out what this curse was all about. He's given up being strong and pretending that he's fine without blood and now he just stays in bed like me and Stefan told him to do in the first place. And that's probably what scares me the most. Because Damon doesn't just give up, he's never just given up. Well, I guess he has. He's given up on me. But I'm trying not to think of that right now.

I woke up this morning and had the brilliant idea that I was going to get him to drink blood one way or the other. And before I knew it I was standing in front of the boarding house, already dressed without even remembering how I got the clothes on. Stefan wasn't home. I didn't know where he was, or why he left Damon alone. Truthfully I didn't spare Stefan that much thought. Another thing I'm trying not to think of.

I went to the basement and selected a blood bag from the fridge, taking care to dig out the last AB negative. Damon's favorite. Don't ask me how I know that, _I _don't even know how I know that… but when I tried to think of what his favorite was it just popped up and I had nothing else to rely on but my own intuition. When I got upstairs, I heard voices. Damon's voice, low and unsmooth and someone else's. Meredith's.

"_You should just-"_

"_I can't. How else can I say it to you? If I tried to bite you right now, I'd puke. No offense, sweetheart, but right now the smell of your blood is seriously giving me consideration to stain my bed sheets… or your very new looking sweater. But I really appreciate the offer."_

A sigh. "_Fine. But don't say that no one here cares about you because I tried to help you." _Bed springs move and someone stands up, then the door down the hall opens and Meredith comes striding out. She doesn't notice me standing in the shadows until she's right near the edge, and you wouldn't believe how much I fought the urge to just reach out and push-

Alright, forget I wrote that. But he called her sweetheart. He's never called me sweetheart.

To cut it short, she jumped when she finally saw me standing there. She pressed a hand on her heart and laughed, totally oblivious to my thoughts towards her. "You scared me, Elena."

I think I mumbled a sorry. She smiled and it made me feel guilty for thinking bad thoughts about her, because really I have no excuse. She's always been nice to me and if that's not reason enough she was Alaric's… kind of girlfriend.

My semi pleasant thoughts lasted about a minute. When she noticed the blood bag clutched in my hand she piped up. "I wouldn't even bother trying. I've been here for an hour and no such luck."

I don't know what's wrong with me. I didn't even think before I snapped back, something about her not being me and how of course she wouldn't be able to get through to him. She stared at me oddly for a moment and then smiled awkwardly and muttered a good luck.

I _was _going to call after her… apologize and blame my stupid new vampire hormones, but something stopped me. I just remained frozen, standing at the top of the stairs until her footsteps faded away. Alaric would be so disappointed. In fact, he was probably watching the whole time and I'll probably hear it out from Jeremy later. He never did approve Damon and I's… relationship, not that he ever let me know it. All he ever said was 'Do you know what you're doing?" and "Be careful." But I saw the looks he gave us, when we were particularly close in the summer before Stefan came back. His eyes silently warned Damon when we'd drift too close to each other and they'd linger on the looks we exchanged. I know he must have said something to Damon, otherwise he wouldn't have snapped his neck that night. I always thought that he'd root for Damon, that maybe he'd actually not totally hate us together like everyone else seemed to. But he disapproved just as much and I think I was always unknowingly disappointed about it. He was the only one, other than Stefan and Rose that saw what I see in Damon. What I've always seen. I guess Meredith sees it too. I should be happy about that.

Damon looked bad. Of course, he was still beautiful and his eyes made my stomach do flips, but he looked like he had a mixture of the stomach flu, mono, and food poisoning. He looked... human. Or at least, not perfect like I've gotten so used to seeing him. I wish I could have seen him while he was human, known him while he was human. It's one of the things I envy Katherine for the most, the fact that she got to know both Salvatore brothers while they were still pure and good and untouched by death and darkness.

When he saw the blood bag in my hand, he smiled a little and said there was no way. He said if he wouldn't drink from the live source then why the hell would he drink a cold blood bag? I think I said something about how I hated seeing him like this and how I wasn't leaving until it was empty. He shot back that I need to stop trying to be a parent and get him to eat all his vegetables before he was allowed to leave the table, or something totally Damon-like. We kind of got into it after that, which I definitely should have refrained from doing so, seeing as it looked like it cost him alot of energy to fight with me. But even when he's sick, he still has the power to send me into a glaring, yelling mess. He always does.

It ended with me saying 'Please.' I was pretty dubious about it working, seeing how many times I've hurt him and screwed him over. I have nightmares that I wake up in the hospital, freshly turned and Stefan tells me that Damon died in that self storage unit, alone because I decided to turn the car around that night.

Well, it did work. He got silent in the tell tale way and scowled a little like a petulant child, looking at me like he hated me for having that ever-present power over him. He crossed his arms and sat down on the edge of his bed, and I had no choice but to walk up to him and stand in front. It was the closest we'd been since Denver, since we were pressed against a wall together, lips locked.

I tore the tube open and held it out to him slowly, and saw the revulsion and disgust land in his eyes at the smell. Finally, after staring at it for a moment, he reached out and placed the straw in between his lips. I watched the red liquid slowly move up until it landed in his mouth and he immediately flinched and tried to push it away, but I stepped closer and secured a hand on the back of his head so that he couldn't escape and the next part was torture. He struggled and moaned and writhed while I squeezed the bag into his mouth until every last drop was gone.

When it fell to the ground, he gasped like he had been holding his breath for minutes and that's when it happened. He just looked so... vulnerable. I didn't stop to think, big shocker right? Next thing I knew, I was flying at him and pressing my lips against his. It was like heaven. I could taste the blood on his tongue and feel his unshaven stubble against my chin and when he really started kissing me back it was better than heaven.

I don't even know how long we kissed for. At some point, I landed on his lap and we fell back onto the bed and I ended up under him. It was while he started kissing my throat that he froze. He looked up and we stared at each other in pure shock. And then he was across the room and I couldn't help the dissapointment that coursed through me. And the guilt.

He wouldn't look at me while I went to leave. Truthfully, I couldn't really look at him either because I did it again. I messed with his head while knowing that I'll have no choice but to go back to Stefan. Even if a big part of me just wanted to stay on the bed with Damon, forever.

At least he drank the blood.

Elena

* * *

_A/N: Hey... sorry for the absense but I haven't really been feeling inspired lately. Wow, that was alot of Delena. I was going to wait to put a kiss in, but it was the only way I could get through writing this chapter so.. oh well. _

_Now, There are two chapters left after this one. I have no idea when TVD premiers because I have no intention of watching it until it gets better, but my guess is around Sept. 20th. I would like to have this finished before it comes on, since I'm sure you people will be too busy watching the show to pay attention to my little ol' story. Hopefully I'll get the rest written, but I'm not promising anything. _

_Anyways, I'll let you get back to your day. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please drop off a review, they always help me write more. :)_


	8. Time running

Dear Diary,

We finally know the cure for this curse on Damon. _Finally. _

It's a long story. Katherine showed up, with five-inch stillettos and a smirk plastered on her face, made some remark about my newly-turned state, and then got straight to business. Apparently she had been searching for a witch who knew more about the curse. After complaining for ten minutes about how hard it was and how know one seemed to know anything, she said she found one in Manhatten that had been close to Elijah in the 80's. Esther created a spell that was meant to sicken vampires, one that only she could do, and made one cure because the nature required it to be performed. But, of course, she made sure it would be very difficult to find. Scratch that, actually. It's not very difficult to find, except for one aspect.

After that, all I heard was 'doppelganger doppelganger doppelganger'. The cure requires all the Petrova doppelganger's who do or have ever existed blood. Me, Katherine, and the original; Tatia. And therein lies the problem, because she's been dead for over a thousand years.

'It's impossible' Damon said. Stefan didn't say anything, but I could tell that he thought so too. Katherine let us all exchange hopeless looks for about five minutes before she offered that we should call Elijah. Stefan nodded, like it had been the most obvious answer in the world, and excused himself to call him.

Elijah said Esther saved a bottle of her blood. And then that he thinks Klaus knows where it is. Naturally, we had Caroline call Tyler, who's still Klaus... I still don't know what the deal with that is. Katherine high-tailed out of there as soon as she heard that he was on his way.

"And what do I get in return?" Klaus asked, not nearly as creepy seeing that he was in Tyler's body, whom I've known since kindergarden. "Don't even fucking think about it, Stefan." Damon bellowed out when Stefan opened his mouth. Klaus sat back disappointedly, seemingly upset when Stefan didn't offer his companionship for his brother's life. Again.

"I'll get Bonnie to put you back in your body." I said, totally and completely bluffing. I had no idea if Bonnie could even do that, but it seemed like the only way other than Caroline having to run off with him to Paris or something.

"She said she couldn't." he said, staring me down. I swallowed back that itchy, uncomfortable feeling I get whenever I lie and held his eyes.

"She lied."

He leaned back and studied me for a moment, searching my eyes the way Elijah did the night of the ball. I could feel Damon and Stefan burning holes into me but I managed to not look away from Tyler's dark eyes. Finally, he relaxed. "If you're lying to me-"

"I'm not." I said, and prayed to God that Bonnie could find a way.

He grinned the way Tyler used to when he found a hot girl willing to go for him and stood up, "Well, then. It seems we have a deal." He looked between me and Stefan. "It seems you two are both willing to sacrifice anything for him; it's touching, really. But also stupid." He headed towards the door and said he'd be back with the blood by tomorrow morning.

Both of them were staring at me like I was crazy, so I stood up and said I was going home and headed towards the door. When I got outside, the door slammed and Damon came striding towards me, furious. "What the hell were you thinking?"

I told him I was thinking of saving his life. He looked surprised for a moment, like he still didn't think he was worth saving. Then he shook it off and asked what if Bonnie couldn't put Klaus back. I shrugged, because honestly, I didn't know.

Then he went off a list of all the people Klaus would kill if she couldn't. He asked why I would risk all that for his life. He said that he wasn't worth it. He said that I had no problem leaving him to die in a warehouse so why did I suddenly care now? The last one hurt, alot.

"Things are different now. _I__'m _different." I said back to him and turned to face my car, pulling my keys out. I could see different emotions flit across his face in the reflection of my window. "Do you know that I haven't even told Stefan that I kissed you yet? That's not like me, Damon. The old me would have immediately told him, the old me wouldn't have even done it in the first place."

He looked shock that I would bring it up. We had been completely avoiding the subject all day and ignoring the huge, hot pink elephant in the room. "There is no old you, Elena. There's only you." he said before he turned around and stalked back to the house.

He's right. I know he's right. There is no old me, and I really, really need to stop dwelling on the past. But all I can do is compare the choices I make now and the choice's I made then, the impulses I have now and the impulses I never used to have in the first place. The things I used to want, and the things I want now. Which are really starting to be very different.

I know I need to talk to Stefan. I've been putting this off for way too long, and now that I realize it, we haven't even been acting like a couple for awhile now. When was the last time I even kissed him? I can't remember.

Elena

* * *

_**A/N: So... I'm super super duper sorry. I know it's been centuries since I've updated, but sometimes I get so discouraged and hopeless with this couple(blame it on the season finale... just UGH) and nothing i write is worth updating with. Butt the good news is that there's only ONE chapter left. Hopefully I'll get it up sometime this week, I won't leave you guys hanging for long, promise. **_

_**And no, I did not watch the premiere. But my friend said it didn't leave Delena in a good place. Which really does not make me want to watch this season at all. But, this show is like an addiction to heroin, or more appropiately, D/E is like an addiction to heroin, and I'm probably be suffering withdrawals anyday now...**_

_**I hope I still have you're attention, and keep an eye out for the last chapter. Thanks for all the reviews/storyalerts, but mostly thanks for reading! :)) **_


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